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Showing posts with label Top 10. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top 10. Show all posts

Friday, 19 October 2012

Top 10 - Worst FIFA Loss Excuses

Hailed as one of the most popular gaming franchises of all time, FIFA is not only a game - but, to some, a religion. This instalment of the Top 10 brings to light the some of the most pathetic FIFA loss excuses; those which should be consigned to players in need of a reality check. All are genuine, most of which you've probably heard before, and none of which you'll want to hear again. Just one rule: there are no excuses not to read on.



10. "You had a better team than me"

It's always good, whilst choosing your teams at the start of a FIFA match against an opponent, that you come to some sort of agreement over the similarity of 'star level' associated with the clubs participating. If you allow another player to choose a better team than you, thinking that you'll beat them anyway, and lose - then you've only got yourself to blame. Never give yourself an excuse to lose a match - always go for the win. Complaining that an opponent had a better team than you will never cut it.

9. "I haven't played FIFA in ages"

Firstly, where have you been? And secondly, don't let rustiness get the better of you. To 'not play FIFA' for a period of time means to deprive yourself of a heavily abundant and nutritional life source. So, with that in mind, you should be coming back two times stronger! Never make excuses over recent experience, play the game using your experience as a whole.

8. "But I don't know those fancy skill moves"

To learn these 'skill moves', you must partake in research. To display lack of research, displays lack of determination to succeed. To display lack of determination to succeed... pretty much means you're going to lose. There is no reason why one shouldn't learn skill moves, therefore laziness shall not be tolerated as an excuse for loss on FIFA.

7. "Your voice kept putting me off"

In FIFA, a player must have 100% of their concentration on the task in hand. Nothing should put a player off this task - that being to win the game. If you can't handle a bit of verbal abuse, a couple of jokes or a very talkative opponent, you are not a true player - and therefore deserve to lose.

6. "The referee was on your side"

Although some would wish for this to be unspoken, FIFA is just a game. The referee has no emotional affiliation with you as a player, and the game engine decides whether or not you are adjudged to have broken the rules. By blaming the referee, players are simply clutching at straws for an explanation to (usually) a poor performance. Maybe these players need to sit down and assess themselves before pointing the finger at the officials. Excuse invalid.

5. "This controller is dodgy"

This, it has to be said, is my personal favourite 'crap FIFA loss excuse'. By complaining that the controller is 'dodgy' even before a game has started, sets a player's mentality up for an immediate fall. Unless buttons are missing, never blame the resources that you are given. If someone else can effectively play the game using that controller, then so can you. If you consign to swapping controllers, then subsequently go on to lose, it makes you look like even more of an idiot - so get on with it!

4. "I usually play better than that"

Playing FIFA is a little like partaking in the Olympics; it's a sporting competition. Sir Steve Redgrave never got back in his boat in Sydney 2000 and claimed that, because he'd won Gold in every single games since Los Angeles 1984, it'd be okay if he didn't do as well this time. He went on for the final Gold medal and got it! Be like Steve Redgrave, don't bring yourself to the level of having to make excuses for a 'one off' poor performance. Always be the best.

3. "Your keeper won it for you"

Maybe it wasn't my keeper that won it for me, but your shit attacking ability that lost it for you. The aim of the game is to score more goals than your opponent, and if you can do that, there shall be no excuses of the sort. Similar to the desperate refereeing excuse described earlier, opposing keepers should not be blamed for your own incompetence.

2. "I must have tried too hard"

In FIFA, it is impossible to try too hard. Case closed.

1. "You got lucky"

Luck is a factor of all life's scenarios and should be looked on merely as a coincidence, as opposed to an advantage. By making the excuse that a player had a 'lucky' win means to say that the accusing opponent could not overcome 'luck' with skill. If you are unable to use playing ability to override something that is made up, then your days playing FIFA should be over. If you lose, take the hit. Never descend to the level of saying "you got lucky"... punk.


Heskey doesn't make excuses - so neither shall you.

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Saturday, 14 January 2012

Top 10 - Other ways people annoy me on Facebook

You agreed, and I sat feeling justified. A good day's work? Yes. Enough work? No. Consequently I decided, after over 10 months, ten points just aren't enough to contain all of the annoyances displayed in the social networking capital of the world. So, without further ado, here it is... ten more ways that people annoy me on Facebook.


NOTE: If you haven't already, check out the original list HERE.


10. People who try and make you join their group to see hidden elements


It reminds me of how Youtube users try to force 'subscribe' messages down viewers' throats. If we like the video, or your channel, we'll subscribe. It's the same with Facebook. If I find your group or page funny, then yes, I will join/like it... now go play Minecraft.


9. People who upload, practically, the same photo 1,789,342 times


Ooh, that version's in black and white. Ah, and that's the same photo again... in negative. Hang on, that's exactly the same photo! Yeah, I understand you're having a fun time with your friends, but isn't one picture sufficient enough to express the occasion? Apparently not.


8. People who 'check in' at their home address


Okay, that's your home address covered. If you'd now like to tell me your alarm code number, what you got for Christmas last year and any PIN numbers for credit cards laying around the house. It's not a good idea to give over such information, because on Facebook, you can never be too sure who your real 'friends' are.


7. People who don't use 'inboxing' accordingly


This involves any sort of wall (or now more recently, 'timeline') post that everyone outside that particular two way conversation just don't want or need to see. Soppy 'love you' messages are the main culprit here, but any sort of message could generally apply. Just inbox please, and keep it personal.


6. People who accept random strangers as their friends


If they're not your friend, then why accept them as your 'friend'? I'm just putting out there, and if anyone has an answer to that particular question, I'd like to hear it. "Because... your Mum" doesn't count. Studies have shown that a lot of young people do accept random friend requests. People need to wise up, because it's the stupidity here that annoys me. Can you be entirely sure the person you're adding is who they say they are?


5. People who comment on posts to make subtle digs


It's happened to me before, and it's probably happened to every one of you reading this as well. The moral here is: if you haven't got anything good to say, don't say anything at all.


4. Mums who make annoying comments


It's a Facebook law that if you concede to adding your mother as a friend online, the condition is binding for life. I wouldn't want to think what the consequences of permanently removing my Mother off Facebook be. I tried it once before... never again. The downside to this 'law' however, is that you're burdened with Mum (as I'll now call her - we're all friends here) following your every virtual move. As I'm sure you'll all agree, it's excruciatingly annoying at times.


3. People who say "like for lpc" or "like for paragraph"


Yeah, I've put it out there. And what are you going to do about it? Give me a '2' for looks? There's no real need to elaborate on this point any further. I think you all have your own reasons for finding this shout for attention as annoying as I do.


2. People who 'frape' others with idiotic comments


Fucking grow up!


P.S. 'Frape' is a word blend of 'Facebook' and 'rape', if you were wondering. 


1. People who break every single one of the points that annoy me in both lists


I know you're out there somewhere and when I find you... I'll give you a pat on the back for keeping on top of being such a trooper. It's a life time career in itself, that feat.


Want more Top 10s? Click HERE.

Monday, 12 September 2011

Top 10 - Ways of procrastinating in Grand Theft Auto IV

Grand Theft Auto - a franchise more recognised and established than Justin Bieber's hate mail collection. But, if you think about it, it hasn't really become so well-known through its gripping narrative or deep character development (although that has helped). It's through the ability gifted to the gamer to f**k around endlessly that has got people coming back for more, time and time again. When the original title came along in 1997 for the Playstation, the free roaming aspect of gaming was largely uncharted territory. Now, with huge advances in technology and a spectrum of titles to its name, the initialism GTA has become a household name in regard to having fun in a no limits environment - coined as a 'Sandbox Game'.  The latest title (Grand Theft Auto IV) - which follows the story of Polish immigrant Niko Bellic - isn't universally accepted as the epitome of the franchise, but the focus will solely be on this particular instalment due to its enhanced accessibility on consoles in the present day. So without further ado, let's forget the missions, and delve into some procrastination...


NOTE: Grand Theft Auto IV is made for adult gamers and is rated as such. Therefore it isn't intended to (and I most certainly don't) condone actions played out in the game, due to mature individuals being aware of its virtual denotation.


10. Hand-braking around corners


In the real world, I wouldn't endorse this sort of behaviour. But, as you'll find out, not many of the inserts on this list would be met with open arms by the government. There's no doubt that you'll most likely find yourself speeding whilst operating a vehicle during large parts of the game. If not, Grand Theft Sunday Driver might be the sort of title that missed your eye while you were searching for 'fun' games to play during your days off. Liberty City (the game's environment) amazingly does feature corners in its road network. However, speeding and cornering isn't the perfect marriage - but speeding and hand-braking sure is! Brilliant fun... Especially when the tail of your car kicks out and sends a fire hydrant tumbling down the street.


9. Breaking into car show rooms


It's always nice to acquire a free set of wheels, especially if they can go from zero to sixty in less than five seconds! There's also something about the satisfaction of driving an expensive car through a massive glass pane that more than makes up for you feeling guilty about stealing. After all, you wouldn't get that sort of chance in the real world... Unless you like spending time in prison.


8. Driving down the Airport runway


As you can imagine, the cops on the game will be onto your ass immediately if you even think about attempting to do this. Providing you manage to flee from the law in the long run, it's pretty fun sending your vehicle hurtling under oncoming passenger jets. "What? I've got a mission to do? Sorry, I'm too busy getting chased by a SWAT team down the Airport runway." If you rang up your boss with that as an excuse for missing work one day, I reckon you'd have an undeniably good case for being absent.


7. Throwing grenades out of your vehicle during pursuits


I can't really find many reasons to support this action's position in the Top 10, apart from that it's infinitely fun. If you manage to time your grenade throwing antics perfectly, you'll be met with police car laden fireworks. Just make sure that you don't hold on for too long before throwing a grenade, or you'll find yourself being the centre piece of the light show. Procrastination on a virtual scale at a more explosive level.


6. Listening to the City's radio network


The attention to detail in terms of the amount of radio stations available to you while driving around in Liberty City is impressive. But it's not the musical aspect to the simulated stations that humours me; it's the copious amount of fake product endorsement, mock parodies and hilarious news stories that get me giggling. I could quite happily cruise around the City streets all day, listening to and laughing at some of the priceless radio snippets thrown at me in the game. And with radio station names like 'Electro Choc', you can't go wrong!


5. Taking down police helicopters


It's just an unrivalled satisfaction. Take down the pilot and watch the aircraft plummet, or whip out the rocket launcher and finish the job explosively. Either way, it's great fun!


4. Ignoring everyone's phone calls


Why would you want to play darts or go ten-pin bowling with your annoying cousin Roman, when you can be having so much more fun on your lonesome? With many more important objectives on your agenda, such as stealing stretch limousines from unsuspecting chauffeurs, it's very clear to see that Roman would understand. The steroid pumped loony Bruce, who often refers to himself as "Brucey baby!", will definitely have to leave a voice mail as well. Whatever he's got to say can certainly wait until after you've accidentally driven your limo off of a pier.


3. Becoming a designated helicopter tour guide


Located in Algoquin, to the far South of the island, you'll find Heli-Tours - one of the City's fictional tourist hot spots. It is possible to take part in a tour as passenger, but this is GTA - why not become your own tour guide? Just kick the pilot out of his chopper and bag a free helicopter. A proven case that Grand Theft Auto enhances career prospects.


2. Laughing at how clear a rip-off Liberty City is of New York


In New York City for example, you have the well known districts of Brooklyn and Queens. Liberty City introduces you to... Broker and Dukes - hilariously titled recreations of the originals. There is no denying that Grand Theft Auto IV's city environment is heavily based on New York, but some of the intentional mirror locations and their names are far from the connotations of an Empire State. The Statue of Happiness? Located on Happiness Island? Oh, come on! What makes it even funnier is that, instead of a torch, Liberty's imposter holds a paper drinks cup aloft. But the one that really shows a lack of creativity and originality on the part of the game's developers goes to Central Park's Liberty City alternative - Middle Park. If that wasn't made to sound intentionally crap and corny; then someone, somewhere along the line definitely needs to invest in a Thesaurus. Make sure you also check out Star Junction - Times Square on a budget.


1. Watching the television, and getting hooked


The Serrated Edge: a show selling knifes and weaponry in the distinctive style of QVC. I'm Rich: a skit on E! Entertainment's entirely dire celebrity gossip programmes. Republican Space Rangers: a cartoon which I cannot begin to grasp on any level. These are all examples of the entirely high brow shows that you would expect to be met with when tuning into Liberty City's television network. I once sat and watched around two wholly concocted hours of virtual television whilst playing Grand Theft Auto IV. It got me hooked, but there is no reason why it should have done. It's rubbish, but so strangely addictive. I wasn't just procrastinating on the game, I was procrastinating in real life! That's why it's my number one.


Want more Top 10s? Click HERE.

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Top 10 - Internet Acronyms and Initialisms

The internet is a breeding ground for the most unique and quirky modern creations. Not only has it widened the span of knowledge available to the world but has, at least in the English language, formed its own lexical set. Abbreviated text talk emerged through mobile phone communication around 10 years ago, creating a whole new language. This included shortened word forms; inspiring the emergence of a majority of grammatically devoid, incomplete sentence structures. Now, primarily through the internet, new ways of abbreviated sentences have reared their weird shaped heads (metaphorically of course). With the growth of platforms such as online forums and chat rooms; acronyms and initialisms have begun to diversify across web based mediums, taking our language into a galactic state of bizarre.


Just before I start the countdown, I'd like to point out that there is a very distinct difference between acronyms and initialisms: 
  • Acronyms use initials of existing words to create a whole new, pronounceable word (e.g. LASER). 
  • Initialisms use initials of existing words to create a common term, pronounced individually through each letter (e.g. BMW) .


DISCLAIMER: My Top 10s rarely feature bad language, but on this occasion it is of appropriate nature to the topic at hand. If you are easily offended by explicit rhetoric, it would not be recommended to read on. Oh, and kids - it would definitely be recommended to repeat all of the words you read here to your parents (especially number 3).


10. WTF (What The Fuck)


This light hearted and loveable initialism has come to epitomise modern lexis. Used as a sign of shock or revulsion, amongst other emotions, 'WTF' has universally come to connote the sense of outburst at a particular event or image. I like its current use in internet chat because it sums up a particular moment quite well, without the writer really having to add extra comment. Nowadays, everyone knows what 'WTF' means. And if you don't... WTF man!?


Typical example of use: "WTF is that bitch doing here?"


9. MSN (Microsoft Network)


Used so regularly and compulsively - MSN - once the name of a humble internet service provider, has undergone ameliorative change to describe a cover-all term for various internet platforms. Most notably of these platforms is the now defunct MSN Messenger service, more commonly known in the modern day as Windows Live Messenger. This live messaging service hasn't retained the name 'MSN' for years now, but the majority of youth demographics still refer to the initialism in regard to the popular communication hub. Although in saying this, it is clear that the snappy abbreviated title has done its job. I'd doubt many who use the term regularly would even know what MSN actually stands for...


Typical example of use: "Coming on MSN tonight?"


8. JGI (Just Google It)


The world's leading internet search engine seems to have spawned its own initialism. The company name 'Google' as a noun has also traversed word class to become a verb, through the new age action - 'Googling'. Again; like in the MSN case, these internet giants have managed to have such an impact, that abbreviations are beginning to implicitly hint at the universal use of the web search tool. 'JGI' also parodies the ethics of the younger generation, being so wrapped up in relying on the internet for all the answers as well as being too lazy to spell out a three word phrase. 


Typical example of use: "The meaning of life? JGI man!"


7. ILY (I Love You)


Okay, if you're going to pour your heart out to someone, it's not the best idea to express that one almighty phrase through an abbreviation. It firstly shows lack of lexical diversity, dominated by a sense of carelessness. It's the physical equivalent of giving your girlfriend a box of chocolates and eating all of the good ones first. Lack of sanity, lack of care, lack of appreciation and a desperate urge for me to punch you square in the face. And... I'm done.


Typical example of use: "ILY, will U marey me?"


6. LOL (Laughing Out Loud)


Not to be mistaken for 'Lots Of Love', which copious Grandmothers seem to be putting at the end of texts to their loved ones after a death of a family pet. This is what bad lexical diversity can do to the English language, turning Grandmas into monsters! "Sparky unfortunately passed away this morning. LOL." You can kind of see how that would go down... But referring back to its more recognised meaning, 'LOL' is probably the most common of all new age acronyms and initialisms to hit the nation's vocabulary. Being an acronym, it can be uttered fluently in everyday conversation, resulting in the emergence of 'LOL'ing youths scattering the streets and beating up Grannies for crimes against animal morality. A final point. Has any human in the existence of ever, used the term 'LOL' in an online sense whilst physically laughing out loud? The internet's a lie!


Typical example of use: "Your Mum is well fat. LOL."


5. BYOB (Bring Your Own Booze)


Three things you can take from this gem of an initialism. The first being, that as a modern generation, we do not condone sharing. Secondly, we're too lazy to be bothered to explicitly tell you to keep your hands off our alcohol. And thirdly, we're a bunch of young alcoholics who derive funky abbreviations exclusively around the semantic field of getting pissed. Urm... yeah. In a nutshell.


Typical example of use: "BYOB, Virgil." (Thunderbirds reference)


4. LMIRL (Let's Meet In Real Life)


This pretty much defines the internet. Refer to my list 'Top 10 - Ways people annoy me on Facebook' to get more of an insight into my unchanged views on fabricated online relationships. But the initialism 'LMIRL' made me laugh quite vigorously the moment I saw it, providing a solid reason for including it so high on my list.


Typical example of use: "LMIRL, because very occasionally, I do leave my house."


3. MILF (Mother I'd Love To Fuck)


Inspired by the work of adult entertainment industries, the provocative acronym has come to denote a female of a 'certain age' who has experience and maturity on her side in terms of 'under the sheets' antics. Fuck it, I did include a disclaimer at the start of this list, so let's not beat 'around the bush' (get it?) any more with sexual euphemisms. 'MILF' has expanded in epic proportions over the last couple of years, talked of in whispers between 14 year old boys whilst encountering 'Stacey's Mom' type scenarios. It's funny, it's harmless and it's the perfect example of what porn has burdened our dialect with in modern times.


Typical example of use: "Wow, your Mum's a MILF!"


2. FML (Fuck My Life)


I've only seen this beauty crop up in slang vocabulary over the last year or two, but the initialism adheres to the stereotypical view of hormonal teenagers hating everything about themselves and the world around them. This particular term is always at its funniest when uttered during completely underwhelming scenarios. For example, whist playing video games or having bad hair days. Because it's such an over the top (OTT) abbreviation, it's hilarious when used in stupid contexts.


Typical example of use: "I was on a 10 kill streak and some twat shot me. FML!"


1. ESAD (Eat Shit And Die)


It generally touches me, how lovely some people can be. And to abbreviate the whole affair for effect? Oh, you're such darlings for that. But, to be fair to anyway willing to hit you with such a forceful imperative, it's a pretty good way to go out... Choking on excrement. Impossible to disagree.


Typical example of use: "Pay back for interrupting my 10 kill streak. ESAD bitch!"


Want more Top 10s? Click HERE.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Top 10 - Funny Advertising Campaigns

Marketing is the theme for this week's Top 10; more specifically the television commercial - a form of direct advertising used to encapsulate a viewing audience and ultimately, sell a product. But some members of the industry have tapped into the need for bringing joy and humour into the mindset of the advert viewer, grasping at the identity of a product being tied with a recognisable funny quirk or hilarious message. So without further ado, let us count down my top 10 funny advertising campaigns...

10. Cravendale

Milk giants Cravendale, through their igenious stop motion "Milk Matters" campaign, have brought forward a fun and light hearted series of animations to the screen depicting a recognisable bunch of plastic figures. The embedded message is obviously to drink milk through this commercial, but it's playful voice acting and colourful scenarios give Cravendale that added humorous edge.


9. Vauxhall (Meriva and Zafira)

Coined as 'smart family cars', Vauxhall's 2004 campaign for family sized vehicles introduced two school children acting as bantering fathers. I vaguely remember its hit status in the UK at the time, with the child actors gaining all of the plaudits for their role in an intentionally humorous commercial. It made people laugh, whilst  as well as that, probably selling a heap load of cars for the motoring company. Kids, get you every time don't they?


8. Cadbury

'Random' would be a blanket term to describe Cadbury's "A glass and a half full of joy" stint on the box. Recognisable adverts included: the gorilla drumming 'In the Air Tonight' by Phil Collins, the airport drag race twined with Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now' and those scarily weird children who rose their eyebrows to 'Don't Stop the Rock' by Freestyle. All funny I guess, in their own little way... Somehow. I took my pick from the three as the featured video.


7. Pepsi Max

Pepsi's "Max It" campaign for their sugar free alternative drink is probably much funnier with the male demographic (including myself), simply because it represents a masculine idealism. The process of getting away with the unthinkable and living the good life is what all men strive for, so the reprieve of these adverts for males may help the women of the world to see what goes on in the mind of their other half. Oh, and the adverts are hilarious.


6. Weetabix

It has now become clear in my mind that Weetabix are good at creating talking animals. The current 'chocolate Weetabix' commercial doing the rounds makes me happy inside, with a range of domestic pets taking speaking parts in a morning kitchen sequence. But unfortunately that campaign ("Happy Breakfast Everyone") hasn't quite made it on to my list. The advert in question resides somewhere along the lines of "Someone's had their Weetabix." If you don't know it, it involves a talking horse and a man on a mission. Pure joy and laughter ensured - just watch.


5. Zazoo Condoms

When first watching this commercial, it's not quiet clear what the advert is trying to sell or promote. I think that's why it's so funny; because once the viewer knows why this particular commercial is portraying an intolerably annoying child in this light, it's quite literally 'wet your pants' time. If you can, erase this last paragraph from your memory and go into the advert oblivious - it'll make it a whole lot funnier.


4. Thinkbox

"Every home needs a Harvey", the Thinkbox advert which brings together all of the elements of the perfect pet. It's fundamentally funny because it's basically, a dog that can do the ironing! What more can you ask for? Not much, only three places on my list by my reckoning. I think I need a Harvey in my life too...


3. WKD

The question is "Have you got a WKD side?" This campaign is one of many sets of commercials geared towards alcohol which presents the 'typical lad' side of the male drinker - influenced to be unhealthy, lazy and ignorant. Obviously it's all one big joke on the 'WKD side' of a man's personality, but it's pulled off with such fluency - creating undoubted laughter from all sides of the viewing audience.


2. Heineken

The walk-in wardrobe advert. One word... actually two, with one being a swear word (you've been warned). Fucking brilliant. I don't want to describe it, so instead I shall let you watch and decide for yourself. Enjoy!


1. John Smith's

"No Nonsense" is the slogan for John Smith's depicted advertising campaign, and I quite simply cannot think of anything more fitting to describe this particular commercial's effectiveness. Brutal humour reassured by hundreds of viewers howling with laughter at their televisions. But to be fair to Mr. Kay in this video, Claire from work is quite a being. I'm just putting it out there...


Want more Top 10s? Click HERE.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Top 10 - Recurring characters from The Simpsons

The Simpsons - a show that has encapsulated the cartoon loving audience on mainstream television since 1989, still to this day churning out over twenty episodes a year. It has generated some of the most loveable characters ever on a fictional level, with the likes of new arrivals being annually added to the cast. Star studded cameos also grace the town of Springfield from time to time, and how could you forget the protagonists amidst all of the action - the Simpsons family themselves. Now into its 22nd season on our screens, will it ever end? I for one hope not.

I will be leaving all of the core members of the Simpsons family behind for this countdown, only including regular characters on the show who don't make up the terrific five-some. But before I begin the definitive Top 10, I'll give you a brief run through (from 20 to 11) of the characters who just missed out on a place on my list. Here we go...

20. Hans Moleman
19. Chester "Snake" Turley
18. Barney Gumble
17. Krusty the Clown
16. Waylon Smithers
15. Principal Seymour Skinner
14. Moe Szyslak
13. Milhouse Van Houten
12. Grandpa Abraham Simpson
11. Groundskeeper Willie

And now for the Top 10...

10. Chief Clancy Wiggum

This loveable cop from the Springfield Police Department generally humours me. His docile approach to the job in hand is what makes the character funny. I'm also pretty sure that he never attended career training when he was younger, due to him knowing nothing about his role as chief of police.

What he'd probably say: "Don't move, I have a doughnut and I'm not afraid to use it."

9. Gil Gunderson

Being a constantly unsuccessful salesman who tries his hand at any job attempting to sell things to earn money - Gil pops up from time to time in the Simpsons, sporting a different career path on each occasion. His combination of bad luck, lack of self esteem and poor sales technique means Gil has yet to strike it rich on the show. You will have your time Gil, you will have your time.

What he'd probably say: "Ah, I shouldn't o' said that. Oh, old Gil's gone and done it again."

8. Charles Montgomery Burns

The multi-billionaire dollar owner of Springfield nuclear power plant's hatred to all others and need for global domination makes for a very entertaining character. His age in also an issue on the show, with nobody actually knowing quite how old he is. I think that he'll live forever. But if not, definitely forever in our hearts. Love you Monty.

What he'd probably say: "Excellent."

7. Ned Flanders

Owner of the Leftorium (a shop selling items exclusively for left handed people) and Homer's next door neighbour, Flanders is Springfield's resident bible basher. The irony of his devotion to God entwined with his terribly bad fortune creates a humorous persona, and one everyone has to love. His crazy choice of vocabulary also amuses me, "diddly" and "doodly" being my personal favourites. He tries so hard to be nice to Homer, getting nothing back in return. I wonder how much more hidden anger he can hold in before he explodes?

What he'd probably say: "Hi diddly doodly friend... diddly."

6. Lenny Leonard and Carl Carlson

Lenny and Carl - Homer's work colleagues at the Springfield nuclear power plant. The reason they are so high on my list is because of the fact that in almost every scene that they appear in, they're together. And I find that very funny. But don't ask me why, it just is. Also their surnames are pretty much the same as their first names, which is also amusing.

What they'd probably say: "Hey Homer." "See you around Homer."

5. Superintendent Gary Chalmers

Principal Skinner's superior at Springfield Elementary School always seems to pop up as Skinner is either doing something inappropriate, or hilarious. My favourite memory of Chalmers involves the 'steamed hams' episode in which Skinner claims to have the Aurora Borealis contained in his kitchen. The Superintendent should definitely be in the show more often.

What he'd probably say: "SKINNER!"

4. Ralph Wiggum

There's not much to say about Ralph. He is just so much fun, and I can't help but laugh at everything he says. The epitome of obliviousness.

What he'd probably say: "My daddy says I'm special."

3. Nelson Muntz

Unless he's centrally involved in a particular episode, Nelson only ever does one thing - and that's to laugh at other characters' expense. Any time a character on the show makes a fool of or hurts them self, you can be sure that Nelson will pop out to from somewhere to laugh - whatever the circumstance or location. It's his only selling point really, but a good one to have.

What he'd probably say: "Ha ha!"

2. Comic Book Guy

The overweight and sarcastic owner of The Android's Dungeon and Baseball Card Shop narrowly 'squeezes' into the penultimate spot on my list. Real name Jeff Albertson, Comic Book Guy arouses audience laughter through his spew of sarcasm on nerdy topics such as Sci-Fi films and superheroes. As most of my favourite characters in the Simpsons do; Comic Book Guy pops up randomly, often pessimistically reflecting on a previous occurrence. He doesn't seem to ever have any friends either, adhering to another of the many nerdy stereotypes. Poor Comic Book Guy.

What he'd probably say: "Best blog ever."

1. Troy McClure

Hi I'm Adam Sharp, you may remember me from such Top 10 lists as "Ways people annoy me on Facebook," "Television Panel Shows" and "Hilarious question from Yahoo Answers." Yes, I'm referring to the washed up actor that is Troy McClure. On his arrival to any scene on the show, Troy will usually refer to all of his starring roles in hilarious film and television titles. This makes for such a character which is only really there to pitch the quirky and imaginative side of the show's creators. But gosh, Troy most certainly does make me chuckle. And that's why he is my number 1. Maybe he can go on and get some work off the back of this accolade.

What he'd probably say: "Hi I'm actor Troy Mclure, you may remember me from such films as..."


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Saturday, 19 March 2011

Top 10 - Celebrity appearances in James Corden's Comic Relief 2011 sketch

Today I bring to you an exclusive Top 10, especially for Comic Relief. Even with hundreds of funny moments in 2011's charity evening, one particular part of the event stood out as being beyond hilarious. This being James Corden's side splitting sketch involving a meeting with more than a few familiar faces, with Corden playing as his 'Gavin and Stacey' born character - Smithy. Here's my pick of the stars that showed up on the night, including a stand-out quote about or from each of the Top 10.


10. Kiera Knightley


"Everybody knows that tears are the first rule of a good Comic Relief film."


9. Rupert Grint and Tom Felton


Rupert: "These kids live in such poverty, that the words Hogwarts and Quidditch mean nothing to them."


8. JLS


Sing 'Everybody in Love'


7. Tom Daley


Smithy: "Tom, do you ever wear any clothes?"


6. Rio Ferdinand


"I've won the Champions League, the Premier League a few times. I was being humble!"


5. Sir Paul McCartney


"People don't like tubbies in Africa."


4. Justin Bieber


"I love you Smithy."


3. Gordon Brown


"I have been thinking about doing a duet with JLS."


2. Ringo Starr


Paul: "And I am the last remaining Beatle."
Ringo: "What about me?"


1. George Michael


"Such a pair of closet bummers, it's ridiculous."




Other famous faces in the sketch included: Lenny Henry, Richard Curtis, Dermot O'Leary, Davina McCall, Lord Sebastian Coe, Roger Lloyd Pack, Lord Robert Winston, Richard Madeley and Clare Balding.


Please make a donation to Comic Relief by going to the website: www.rednoseday.com

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And finally, watch Corden's excellent Red Nose Day sketch here:



Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Top 10 - Television Panel Shows

This week I'm bringing the weekly Top 10 back to the sofa and focusing on television once again. It is the life blood of the modern generation and the panel show as a comedy/TV love child has raced onto the scene at an alarming rate in the 21st century, taking viewers by storm and encapsulating an ever returning audience. So without further ado, here are my Top 10 television panel shows...


10. Would I Lie To You?


Knowing me, I probably would. Fortunately, that wasn't a question - it's the the name of the number ten panel show on my list. 'WILTY' as I will now fondly refer to it as; is a programme featuring celebrity guests who either have to lie through their teeth with ridiculous tales or pretend to make ridiculous tales seem like lies when in fact they are actually the truth. So in the Layman's terms, the concept is simple - is the story a lie or the truth? There is no need to answer that question either by the way. It wasn't quiet rhetorical, but it definitely wasn't directed at you. 'WILTY' offers a couple of laughs for an evening in front of the television, but isn't exactly anything revolutionary. And that's why it isn't my number 1. Next!


9. The Bubble


Hosted by David Mitchell, 'The Bubble' presents three minor celebrities (usually comedians) who have been locked in confinement for a week with no access to the internet, television or radio. In short - no media coverage. They are then brought back to a studio, in which Mitchell asks them various questions regarding the week's news through a multiple choice system. As in most quiz type panel shows, none of the guests take it very seriously; playing primarily for humour; and in the end the winner never really deserves the accolade. I haven't seen the show on the air for a good few months now due to its probable decommissioning. But in my eyes, it was a minor success and well worth a watch.


8. A Question of Sport


The sports quiz panel show in which Sue Barker and regular team captains - rugby mad Matt Dawson and chirpy cricketer Phil Tufnell send 'At the Races' to the cleaners. A well rounded and 'sports icon big' programme brings together the best in the industry for twelve rounds of intense and sweaty quizzical conundrums. The contestants in this one (all being either current or ex sports men and women) actually take the show seriously, spewing out specific knowledge that I had no idea existed. Obviously being heavy on one particular field means 'QOS' isn't to everyone's taste, but I enjoy if for its perfect mix of meaty sports nourishment and humorous banter. They may have just hit a hole in one.


7. 8 out of 10 Cats


Jimmy Carr's perilously close to unairable stance on comedy, this time sets its beady eyes on the world of Friday night panel shows. In '8 out of 10 Cats,' celebrities (who would have guessed it) clamber into the lime light in response to current affairs and quirky statistics. Thankfully Carr's foul mouthed repetitious is shunned by a moderately light hearted approach to comedy in this show, making for a very comfortable evening viewing. It is however a long running concept which is in my view coming to a slow end. As competing shows arrive with fresh ideas, cats seems to be lying at the sidelines struggling to come up with anything new. Shamefully meowing at number 7, it seems to have honourably run its course.


6. Whose Line is it Anyway?


Again, this is not another question but the title of the hilariously imaginative improvisation show. 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' brings together the greatest physical comedians in the business, with a plot line waiting to explode. In each episode, audience members get to choose many of the scenarios that the comedians in turn have to act out. The unplanned nature of the programme is what makes it so terrific, with the sound effects round sending me into stitches every time. The US version is undoubtedly more exhilarating than its British counterpart, but both are more than definitely worth a watch. I cannot justify through words how funny this programme can be. Watch it if you get a chance.


5. Shooting Stars


'Shooting Stars' presents Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer in the quintessentially odd panel show featuring current score keeper Angelos Epithemiou and captains Ulrika Jonsson and Jack Dee. Its twisted approach to comedy is what clinches 'Shooting Stars' fifth place in the list, reinforced by Angelos' dead pan and combustible persona as the hilarious points hoarder. A slice of Reeves' and Mortimer's world is essentially what you get with the show, and half an hour is all you really need before finding yourself fixated to the screen in a daze of confusion. Some of the antics they pull have no real meaning or explanation and in saying that, I still haven't quite worked out what Matt Lucas' previous score keeper character (George Dawes) actually signified. An overweight five foot baby dressed in a sleep suit whilst playing drums was all a little too much for my mind to comprehend.


4. The Big Fat Quiz of the Year


After Christmas is over, and the whole family seems to be down in the dumps with the realisation that a return to work is just around the corner, there is one reprieve - that being the gloriously exciting 'Big Fat Quiz of the Year.' 'BFQOTY,' which as an abbreviation I admit looks laughably stupid, gives Jimmy Carr his headline gig of the television calender with the help of a panel consisting of three comedic duos (basically Noel Fielding, that guy out the IT Crowd, Jonathan Ross when he's not in jail and a few others). It lasts ages, is a great watch and brings back to life some of the forgotten memories of the previous year. It should be seasonal tradition to watch it.


3. Never Mind the Buzzcocks


Never mind watching anything else, let's get on to never minding those Buzzcocks! This show gives music a new identity and I genuinely think every round is my favourite. The differing guests and hosts from week to week give the programme a new spin on every episode, making it so unique in the way the producers have decided to present the show. Noel Fielding has become part of the furniture as a team captain on Buzzcocks, as has opposing leader Phil Jupitus. Both have differing comedic approaches, which respectively work impeccably. The last series of the show was my favourite by some margin and in all honesty, it can only get better. Roll on more musical mayhem please.


2. Mock the Week


'Mock the Week' is undoubtedly the most popular panel show out there at the moment, or at least was a year or two ago. Even after Frankie Boyle's untimely departure from the programme, it still maintained its humour and wit - replacing Boyle with a whole host of new and hilarious talent. Careers for some of the guest on 'MTW' have been made from appearing on the show and the thorough bred talent we see on our screens in recent episodes is comedic gold. The rounds are formulated to suit all of the guest's styles and the final stage of the show (in which comedians comment on a particular 'scene we'd like to see') almost always raises the roof through laughter. You can't mock it, you can only applaud it.


1. QI


Stephen Fry's masterpiece of intellect and humour breaths new life on to the television panel show. It is hard to explain the interest I have in 'QI,' because it interests me so much. It not only teaches me new and different things, it also provides me with the laughs (primarily thanks to Alan Davies) that I expect from all other shows of the same ilk. The concoction created through these two fundamentals intertwined make for an unmistakably fascinating programme. Bravo QI, bravo.


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Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Top 10 - Ways people annoy me on Facebook

Facebook - the social networking hub of the world. Almost everybody uses it (including me), and it seems that most people's lives revolve around the site. Unfortunately I tend to get annoyed quite easily, and Facebook proves no exception. So if you partake in any of these ten on the site, I don't resent you for it. I probably just find you really annoying...


10. People who attempt to spell using sophisticated language or grammar and fail


I have no problem with people mis-spelling or using bad grammar for obvious abbreviation or humour, but it's the ones who try to be clever and miraculously fail who destroy my hopes and dreams for the world's next generation. Or even worse; the idiots who have the cheek to correct someone's poor language use, then make a blunder themselves in the following exchange. I once witnessed a person on Facebook correcting someone and then using, and I quote, the word 'grammer' to point out that they had made a GRAMMAR mistake. It made me die a little inside.


9. People who talk about their sex lives


This one doesn't happen so much, but when it does, I think I am safe in saying that everyone is thinking the same thing as me - "we don't care". If you want to publicise your bedroom conquests, then upload your home movie to Porn Hub. No sex films on Facebook though please, I think you'll find that might be a little inappropriate.


8. People who moan about their problems


Stereotypically done by girls, an extension of this point involves a very vague status emphasising that there is something wrong. Then when a friend asks what is wrong (wait for it), the subject says "it doesn't matter". What now? Sometimes it's always better to see a councillor than hit your friends with the sob story if you're not going to share. And Frankly, I don't care. I come to Facebook to socialise, not mourn for your tragic split ends.


7. People (usually guys) who take photos of themselves topless


Okay I admit I have done this once before in the past when I was very naive. But in my defence, it never became my profile picture. The past is the past and therefore I shall not dwell on this point too much. It shall only be said that vain topless photography annoys me, and that it's nice you've taken the time to keep fit. Now put your shirt on you poser.


6. People who tell everyone that they are going on holiday


Okay, let me just write down your address so I can be sure that nobody will be in when I attempt to break into your house. This annoys me because it's so damn stupid. Yes, let your close friends know that you're going on holiday but don't tell everyone on Facebook. You can never be too sure who your friends are.


5. People who have a profile picture of a car


I'm pretty sure you're not actually a car. But your name is Optimus Prime. Hmmm...


4. People who post statuses every few minutes


When people do this, it's usually a constant drivel of useless information and unrelated crap. It's very annoying and is statistically one of the major reasons users tend to unfriend you. I'm really not surprised.


3. People who pretend to be ill and are miraculously very active online


As far as I'm concerned, if you are unable to get to work, school or college through illness - you should be in bed asleep or at the sink being sick. So therefore people who have a field day on Facebook while I've been working my balls of at college, while sometimes ill myself, do very much annoy me.


2. People with an inhumane amount of friends


I myself have just over 300 friends online. Some of them I don't even consider real friends, rather acquaintances. This number fluctuates as I add and delete people from my friends list who I newly meet or feel no need for. So in seeing people with over 1000 friends on the social network it makes me wonder - "how many of these 1000 people are actually your friends?" Most likely less than a half in most cases. The record out of my friends is 1970, and it's probably gone up by a few more since I last checked. Completely ludicrous.


1. People who randomly add you as a friend


I hate this. It's my number one bane of Facebook and that's why it's at number one on my list. Often, I'll receive an add from a seemingly unknown person. Upon asking who they are, they reply with "just a random add". Well, then I'm obviously not your 'friend'. Now fuck off.

Check out my new list: Top 10 - Other ways people annoy me on Facebook.


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